A new post, a new website, a new beginning and a new year…
Where to even begin? This will be a ramble I know…so apologies from the start.
The end of the year is always the time many people reflect – reflect on the year just past, reflect on their accomplishments, their successes, their mistakes, their failures and indiscretions. It’s a time where many begin to think about what they want to change – what they want their new habits to look like – which is where resolutions start to take shape.
However, as we know from research and from our own experience of doing this year after year – for new habits to actually be formed, they must be practiced daily, consistently and with purpose. While the end of the year is a wonderful place to think about these things, regular reflection and analysis about what we want to change should be a regular discussion we have with ourselves. It’s about how we move forwards, how we change and adapt to the world around us, how we become better humans, more aware of our purpose in the world – it’s how we shine and burn brighter in all that we do.
These past (almost) three years, I have been doing a lot of reflecting, thinking, analysing – whatever you want to call it – about my life. I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. I’m still working it through – I know that it won’t be an overnight process, but I’m definitely a lot further along my journey than I thought I would be at this point. I realise now that I’ve experienced trauma on a massive scale and because of it I know I have lots of healing to do. But also because of it, I now know how strong I really am – how far I’ve really come – but better yet, how much living I now have to do.
Life sits in front of me gleaming and dazzling – it’s exciting yet overwhelming.
When I look back over my life between 18 to 39, it’s like I’m watching someone else – I’m a shadow with no defined edges. It’s difficult to explain, but my memory of so many things is so hazy and unclear, it’s like I’m trying to see the whole picture but too many of the jigsaw pieces are missing and no matter how I look at it, I just cannot make out what’s happening.
The other day, I watched ‘Forrest Gump’ – you’d think it was the first time. I know I’ve watched it before – somewhere during that 18 -39 year period – I don’t know when, I don’t know where – I can’t imagine any of it. One of the most wonderful films and I didn’t remember any of it – not any aspect of it at all. Things like this happen all of the time – it’s concerning. I know though, that this was part of my survival strategy – I was there, but I wasn’t ever ‘there’ – I was never really present – a shell, a body, entrapped – just trying to maintain a cocoon of safety around me and my children.
And, from all of this thinking and reflection, I’ve realised I actually don’t know who I am. I mean, I know who I am – I think. My core values – I know that I would do anything for anyone, would literally give you my clothes if you needed them, no questions asked. If you have my love – I would give you my life. This is who I am to the core – always looking out for others, always doing something for someone else which is why I very often get ‘left out in the rain.’
And so now, it’s so hard for me to accept that someone else might want to do the same for me. I don’t trust people – but from what I’ve been through this makes complete sense. So trust is difficult but I’m learning to allow certain people in. This will take time. But, I am here, I am present – I am feeling life in a completely different way – seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting things for the very first time. So when I say that I feel like I am 18 again, I don’t think people really know how true this is – I really feel 18 again.
I am a headteacher – I have been for the past 8 years. I’ve worked ridiculously hard to get where I am – to complete all the training that I’ve had, to have all the experiences that I’ve had. I’m proud of this. But this is what kept me alive – gave me purpose. When I walked into school, my shadow formed edges and I was me, headteacher.
Teaching wasn’t what I wanted to do. But what I wanted wasn’t good enough – so teaching seemed the most logical choice to ensure I had a secure income and in my head I knew that if I worked really hard, I could keep working my way up. Working my way up, in my head, meant one day maybe I’d get myself out of the situation I was so deeply locked in.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my job – I’ve loved every minute, even through all the challenges and the craziness that’s come with it. I know I’m making a difference every day – I love working with the children, the staff and the families. That’s my core purpose – making an impact, leading by example, helping others to shine their lights. That’s my core purpose – I am sure of that.
But now…the whole world quite literally sits in front of me – its dazzling possibilities luring me in.
There is so much I enjoy doing – I’ve begun making my own beauty products, writing a food blog, starting to write a book, being a voice speaking out about domestic violence and coercive control, playing and coaching volleyball, coaching others through life and leadership and the list goes on and on. But I’ve only just begun doing all of these things during the past two years. And I know this is only the beginning…
There is so much more to my story. I’ve been dreaming and that has been the source of my overwhelm because it’s now not a dream at all, it’s now a possibility. My past now means that my future is possible and my future can be whatever I want it to be. That has never been a possibility until now and I cannot begin to describe how exciting that is. With it though has been a wave of confusion because I’m now trying to figure out what I want to be when I’m older. (That’s not supposed to be funny, but I did laugh out loud).
So roll on 2022. Bring with it what you want. Whatever life throws at me, I know I can handle – I’ve never been stronger or wiser than I am today. Every day I learn something new about myself and about the world around me. Every day I reflect on where I’ve come from and dream about where I could go.
2022 is about possibility – about living life, learning to love wholeheartedly, learning to trust and finding out what I’m truly capable of.
Let’s see what 2022 brings.
What will 2022 be for you?
This is the first blog post on my website dedicated to coaching and helping lead others to their own success through empowerment, development of leadership whilst helping them to shine and burn even brighter.
